Urgent Memo to John Kerry

Hey,

I know, you don't even want to hear the word "memo" after the last few days. But I know what you're thinking right now, and it's not going to work.

Even as I type this, you're prevaricating -- feeling things out. Hoping people will believe CBS and that this will blow over, maybe even end up helping you.

Get a grip.

The wait-and-see strategy didn't work with the Swift Boat liars and it won't work now. Even if these documents are proven to be real (which will never happen), you'll only get a tiny lift in the polls. Most people, even Bush's supporters, already believe he got special treatment in the Air National Guard. This is only a big deal to people who were against him already.

Now consider what happens if the memos turn out to be fake. Or if the debate just drags on. It won't be long before more fingers start pointing at your cautious, slow-to-respond, above-the-fray campaign. By then it will be too late.

So get out there right now, Senator Kerry. Innoculate yourself against Memogate as fast as you can. Later today, when someone asks what you think about the memos, say this:

"Well, only President Bush and his Air National Guard superiors can say what really happened. But I'll tell you what I think. I've seen a lot of military documents in my day, as a sailor and senator, and if you want my opinion, these don't ring true. They look about as real as the blood in Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2, the lackluster sequel to Tobe Hooper's horror masterpiece.

"I don't know if they came from some badly misguided attempt to help me, or some rogue on the other side trying to throw dirt on the clean campaign we've run. But I will say this: no one in my campaign will ever resort to that kind of cheap, despicable tactic.

"We'll campaign as hard as we can, but we aren't going to lie. Not about my Navy record, and not about the president's service in the Air National Guard. That's not what I want to talk about on this day, of all days. September 11 is when we learned once and for all that we're Americans first. So let's put the partisan garbage behind us. Let's do what our enemies fear the most, which is have the kind of clean, free elections we've always had in America."

Oh, by the way. If your campaign is in any way involved with fake memos -- even if Karl Rove tricked you into finding them -- you deserve to lose. Just as much as the other guy deserves to lose.