You're Boring

The opening line in John Kerry's acceptance speech last night -- "I'm John Kerry, and I'm reporting for duty" -- was as bad as it could have been. Few things come off as more pompous than false humility, and Kerry's allusion to his military service was absurdly heavy-handed. There's also something off-putting about Kerry's suggestion that he has some responsibility to run for president.

If there are any mentally sound adults in the United States who doesn't know yet that Kerry served in Vietnam and the president didn't, they're too dumb to live, much less vote. If Kerry is trying to reach out to these people, he's debasing himself and the political process. But that's not what's happening here. What Kerry is doing, with his continued reminders about his service, is known as "rubbing it in."

Kerry is going to win or lose based on how well he comes up with an economic plan that will lift up voters in swing states like Ohio and Pennsylvania. Duh. If he has such a plan, the average American doesn't know about it. And unless Kerry comes up with something the average person understands and likes -- a lot -- he's going to lose in November, veteran or not.

'We Have Some Optimism'

Not long ago, conservative pundits started using the word "hijacking" whenever Democrats took an idea or an opportunity from someone else. On MSNBC's "Scarborough Country," for example, a segment about liberal graduation speakers was entitled, "Liberals Hijack Grads."

This was, of course, a not-subtle attempt to link liberals with the types of bad people who commit hijackings. And let's remember what "hijacking" means -- to stop and rob a vehicle in transit. As in, boarding a plane, threatening or killing people with box cutters, seizing the controls, and leaving air traffic controllers to wonder who this new pilot is, uttering the chilling words, "We have some planes." That's hijacking.

NPR is supposed to be too intelligent to carelessly throw around loaded terms. But there was Linda Wertheimer last night, saying during NPR's coverage of the Democratic National Convention that Ronald Reagan had "hijacked optimism" as a campaign theme from Democrats. How does one violently seize a cheery outlook?

This is part of a broader and disturbing movement toward the cheapening of meaningful words. When everyone who offends the United States is described as a terrorist, it undermines the threat posed by real terrorists -- the types who hijack planes, not optimism.

Take "eco-terrorists." Are people who vandalize Hummers really as bad as people who crash planes into buildings? Would you tell a 9/11 widow and someone who gets their car messed up that they've suffered a similar loss? Or that they inhabit the same universe of loss?

Iran and Iraq: Not the Same

Today I read a shocking story on Time Magazine's website about ties between al-Qaeda and Iran in the months and years leading up to Sept. 11.

I know what you're thinking. Iran? What? Did they change the spelling of the word "Iraq"? Perhaps you even think your little cub has committed a typo. But believe it or not, my friends, Time stands by its story. The article is quite adamant that Iran is the country that had al-Qaeda ties.

Now at this point you may have another question: Why did the U.S. invade Iraq if Iran is the one that plotted to attack us? I've thought about this a lot, and I think the only explanation is that the U.S. somehow got the two countries confused.

It's an easy mistake to make -- who hasn't had trouble with spelling and geography? But I decided I wanted to have this Iran-Iraq thing down cold, no matter how much work it took. I set aside a few days to do some serious investigating, and eventually managed to track down the object you see above: a map.

Now that we've acquired it, let's give our map the careful analysis it deserves. As you can see, the map seems to indicate that Iraq is next to Iran, and that -- yes -- the spelling of their names is remarkably similar. Yet for all their similarities, the map indicates, Iran and Iraq are different. They are not the same.

I hope this clears some things up. My only regret is that the vice president and president didn't hear about this sooner.