Sunday, November 28, 2004

Ok, Sure

Why not come back? People like lighthearted political commentary, right? The thing is, I'm not feeling that lighthearted. The whole breakdown of red and blue states and the mutual resentments and the sweeping generalizations by each side against the other are really getting me down.

Yes, I agree that the red states tend to have less education, worse treatment for minorities, and a desire to unify church and state that hurts both. But the blue states aren't that much better, and they're awfully cocky about their slight superiority. Their condescension turns off the red states as much as illiteracy turns of the blue states.

So what's a cub to do? Choose sides? Look for some vague middle ground? Leave? This is the most beautiful country there is, and as long as there's a single cave with cable TV and DSL, I'm staying put.

I think the best thing to do is try to break down the traditional alliances that make our country so slow to progress by getting people on both sides to think of themselves as individuals instead of partisans. Democrats can complain about that, but the current partisan split isn't in their favor as it is. Republicans can gripe too, but fuck Republicans. (Ha ha. Just a sample of the partisan rhetoric I'm eshewing.)

Anyway, I'm going to try to talk about ideas instead of parties. I know, this is probably a mistake, but let's try it for a few days.

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

LIfe Goes On

Oh well. Thanks to Smell A Gator for taking us through the campaign's final hours.

If you're a Democrat, remember that Republicans held the presidency from 1969 to 1993 -- twenty-four years -- except for Carter's term. I don't think the world ended. In fact, plenty of good things happened: The Godfather I and II, Nirvana, and the fall of the Berlin Wall.

It sucks to lose. But these things happen. That's how it goes.

Morning in America

Hi everyone. I'm back from my election night walk and whoa. It seems that conventional wisdom was exactly right.

Americans were hesitant to remove a president in mid-war. All those new voters we kept hearing about didn't have as much of an impact as expected. And evangelicals turned out in big numbers, perhaps boosted by anti-gay marriage measures in several key states.

And now we are in the midst of the ultimate national disaster: Americans are being asked to do math. Unless we are willing to actually do division, we will never know whether John Kerry has a prayer of winning in Ohio.

I can't promise this will be right, but I'm willing to give it a shot. Bush currently leads by about 140,000 votes in the Buckeye State. There are, according to the Kerry campaign, 250,000 outstanding provisional ballots. Ohio Secretary of State Kenneth Blackwell (who seems like Cool Hand Luke compared to Katherine Harris) says about 83 percent of such ballots turned out to be valid in 2000. That could mean up to 207,500 valid ballots have yet to be counted. So Kerry would be nuts not to drag this thing out a little longer. He might also try to scrape out a few votes by calling for a full recount.

Finally, let's look at the bright side of all this. Now that everyone has voted, we can admit that Kerry is one of the least likely presidential contenders imaginable. He's a northeastern liberal who has been described as looking like a talking tree. So we should be glad things worked out as well as they did, and realize that Democrats will have a much easier go of things if they stick to the proven formula of nominating Southern governors. (Mike Easley or Mark Warner could be strong candidates someday -- except that Warner also kind of has that wooden look.) Anyway, that's an issue for another day. And hopefully that day will be in 2012, not tomorrow.

Tuesday, November 02, 2004

The Closer


Women waiting in line to vote, circa 1908, Minnesota
Historical Society.


When you die, you survive through the things you leave behind: The bones of small woodland creatures you blasted with your laser eyes. The footprints you made in the woods. The historical actions of the candidates you helped elect.

Whichever side you're on, you're part of history today. And that's pretty exciting. It's worth waiting in line for, or skipping dinner for, or missing a trip to the gym/bar/pharmacist for. People have died for what you're allowed to do today, so it would be pretty smug of you not to do it.

Tonight, one guy or the other will concede and promise to support his former opponent. (Yes, it will really be settled tonight.) As this happens, I will be creating new footprints in the woods, confident that the process has worked as it should.

This is my last post of the 2004 campaign. I won't be anywhere near a computer as the returns come in tonight, but I hope you'll enjoy watching them. Thanks for reading, congratulations to tonight's winner, and see you tomorrow.


Monday, November 01, 2004

The Readers' Laser Cub Survey

Thanks to the seven of you who took part in Laser Cub's Readership Survey, bringing the total turnout to roughly 90 percent of all my readers!*

You've set a great example for the rest of America, readers. I hope our national turnout will be just as strong. Whether you're for Bush, Kerry, or someone else, I hope you'll vote tomorrow. Just as a matter of national pride, I'd like to see if this year we can elect someone who's victory isn't in doubt.

Finally, I wanted to answer those of you who've inquired about my own choice for president, and my reasons. So here we go:

My name's Laser Cub, and I'm a registered independent from Pennsylvania. I'm voting for Kerry because I think his personal courage, experience, and ability to think on his feet make him the best qualified candidate to repair the errors of George W. Bush.

Bush has offered some bold and novel ideas about leadership, but failed to carry them out. He said we could protect ourselves from terrorism by backing off from the war on terrorists in Afganistan and invading Iraq instead. But rather than following through on that interesting notion, he's chosen to undercut the war he chose to wage.

Ignoring veterans like John McCain who say we need more troops on the ground, Bush has followed the counsel of lifelong civilians like Karl Rove who warned him that the war would become a political liability if too many civilians were asked to make the sacrifice of carrying it out. As a result, a small group of men and women has been asked to serve and serve again once their service ended. They're doing the kind of thankless nation-building Bush said he wouldn't demand of our troops during the 2000 campaign.

Bush has also promised to reduce government spending, but hasn't vetoed a single piece of legislation. He's the first president in 100 years to be so tolerant of wasteful spending. This failure is compounded by his decision to throw money into the quicksand pit of Iraq and to simultaneously give the largest tax breaks to the Americans who need them the least.

Kerry has promised to retain the Bush tax increases for people making less than $200,000 -- people who will actually put the money back into the economy -- while rolling back tax cuts for the wealthy. As one of the few Democrats who pushed to collar the national debt even in the mid-1980s, Kerry can be trusted to reduce the Bush national debt.

While Bush has inherited his every opportuniy, never facing a real defeat because his father's friends have always been there to help him, Kerry has refused to settle into the good life. He's volunteered for thankless jobs, serving as a small-town district attorney and leading a panel on the heated issue of whether POWs remain in Vietnam. He's volunteered to risk his life for America, suffering repeated injuries in a country most men of his background never had to see.

Bush claims Kerry has only taken politically expedient stands. In fact, Kerry has been brave enough to take intelligent and nuanced positions that are sometimes at odds with those of the general public. He was one of the few senators who resisted the bipartisan-but-gay-bashing Defense of Marriage Act, and has had the courage to oppose the death penalty in almost all cases.

Kerry has offered one exception to that position: He favors the death penalty for terrorists. This sets him apart from President Bush, who has shown considerable mercy to Osama bin Laden, our country's most dangerous enemy. Bush's decision to re-route the war effort to Iraq pulled the most elite members of our military from bin Laden's trail.

Here's hoping President Kerry will bring our country back to the mission our alleged war president has failed so utterly to accomplish.

*If the reader from Israel who keeps popping up on my stats page had joined in the readership survey, we would have had 100 percent turnout. But maybe that person isn't a U.S. citizen. If you're reading, Israel person, write me sometime at lasercub@yahoo.com and let me know.

Unsolved Mysteries



It looks like a few questions about Campaign 2004 have yet to be answered:

Was Karl Rove ultimately behind the CBS memos?

What happened with the Bush twins being invited to a gay marriage?

Who will fill in for Laser Cub on election night?

Fortunately, I'm able to answer the last question. Barring any last minute disasters, this time tomorrow you'll be enjoying thrilling commentary from Smell A Gator, an olfactory-enhanced reptile whose super powers are matched only by his wit. I'm not sure if he's from the super swing state of Florida (like a lot of gators), but if he is that would be great. So ask him.