The Show and Tell Me State

Here we go on debate number two, live from Missouri. I want to apologize for all the mean things I've said about Missouri in the past, because the undecided voters in the audience are asking far better questions than any of the moderators to date. Here are my thoughts and when I thought of them.

9:10: Both candidates start out using folksy, almost Southern accents. Kerry's sounds as fake and affected as Bush's. Fortunately he clears his throat after a minute or so. Good idea, since Missouri isn't in the South.

Kerry slips in a question about whether he's wishy-washy. He says Bush has accused him of slip-flopping on three things: The Patriot Act, No Child Left Behind, and... What? That's only two? Exactly. What's the third? I'm assuming he meant Iraq. More on this at Factcheck.com.

Bush screws up in his response by accusing Kerry of voting against the $87 billion before he voted for it. No, no, no. He voted for it before he voted against it. Except Kerry concedes he was being "inarticulate" when he said it. So maybe Bush does have it right.

9:23: Both of these guys are repeating the same things over and over. This is boring. I hope Randi Jacobs, the next questioner, will have a good question... and she does! It's about Iran. Thanks Randi.

By the way, is it me or are these questions extremely hostile to the war in Iraq? Is it because of the report that found conclusively that there are no weapons of mass destruction? These audience members are smart and skeptical -- the opposite of the know-nothing stereotype of undecided voters.

9:27: Bush just said a Kerry answer "made me want to scowl" and NO ONE laughed.

9:29: Geez, Bush! Sound a little more defensive, why don't you. Also, tell us more about these draft rumors you've heard about on the "Internets."

9:30: I haven't checked Daily Kos, because I think the mood there must be so sugary I'd need insulin. And I live in a cave, where it's not available. What I'm saying is, Bush sounds crazy. Totally defensive, and he has no rapport with the audience. Sound the alarm, because this is a meltdown. The only advantage Bush has is that Kerry has bags under his eyes.

I am saying this for the first time because this is the first time I've believed it: Bush is going to lose.

9:36: Kerry just noted that this country has "bridges and tunnels" that aren't being secured. Nice job, Kerry. You remembered the Jersey vote.

9:37: I just checked Daily Kos. I couldn't resist. This what it said:

"I CAN HEAR YOU FINE! NO NEED TO YELL!!!!
And by the way, it's called the "Internet". Not the "Internets". (There's only one...)

"He lost it. He totally lost it. Holy fucking shit."

9:40: Oh Christ. In the battle of how to pronounce "Missouri" (Miz-or-ee or Miz-or-uh), Bush sides with the Miz-or-uh faction. So it's official: the correct pronounciation is Miz-or-ee.

9:41: I don't think Kerry is particularly amazing tonight. But he doesn't have to be. Bush is giving these undecided voters something to vote against.

9:43: Oh my Gosh Kerry just KICKED BUSH'S ASS ON THE MEDICARE QUESTION.

9:46: Wow. Bush says the National Journal rated "Senator Kennedy" the most liberal senator of all. So where did they rank Senator Kerry? Did Bush misspeak again? This is gonna be all over the Internets.

9:55: Wow. How much did Kerry pay the clean-cut kid who asked him to look into the camera and promise not to raise taxes on families making less than $200,000 a year? Hopefully more than $200,000, because it's a huge moment for the Kerry campaign.

9:58: Hahahaha. Kerry just accused Bush of "fuzzy math." This was Bush's retarded mantra in the first debate with Gore in 2000, and Kerry is clearly using it just to upset Bush. Great debate tactic.

Bush just accused Bush of raising taxes 98 times. But wait... I thought it was 350 times. Are you flip-flopping?

Also, the way Bush just said he had a plan "to increase the wetlands by... three million," like he'd just invented the number, wasn't very inspiring. Also, three million what? Three million inches?

10:05: Uh, Kerry: there's just 25 minutes to go. This would be a good time to stop highlighting the differences between you and Bush and start highlighting a "message of hope." You've won already. Now try to be classy about it.

10:09: It has come to this: the election hinges on whether Bush really owns a timber company that is "news to me."

10:11: Missouri is more representative of the U.S. at large than any other state. Which suggests that all the other undecided voters out there -- like the ones asking questions in this debate -- aren't undecided because they're stupid. They're undecided because they're jaded. In other words, smart.

10:14: Haha. Kerry pretends to "respect" a question about how maybe we shouldn't use embryonic stem cells. Then he turns around and disagrees with the woman who posed it. I think he'll get some points for "standing up for what he believes, even when it isn't popular" -- even though what he believes, in this case, is incredibly popular.

Bush says we have to be "very careful." A brave stand, Mr. President.

10:19: Bush's joke about the Supreme Court again falls flat. So far I think the only joke these angry undecided voters have laughed at is Kerry's assertion that he, Bush and moderator Charlie Gibson are the only ones at the debate who make more than $200,000 a year. Looks like Kerry has a better rapport.

By the way, while we're sort of on the subject of Charles Gibson, PUSH UP YOUR GLASSES, CHARLIE GIBSON! That low-on-the-nose would-be intellectual look makes you look like an ass.

10:24: Kerry manages to skillfully slip a reference to his Vietnam experience into a question about abortion. Maybe this guy is sneaky enough to be president.

Bush has a smart answer to the abortion question, listing a series of supposedly "common ground" ways to reduce abortions. A good move in a very Catholic area.

Kerry's rebuttal is good: "It's never as simple as the president would have you believe."

10:28: Wow, the toughest question of the night is the last: can Bush name three mistakes he's made? Come on. He can't even name one. He just launches into another pat, rehearsed speech about Iraq.

Whoa! But then he says he "made some mistakes in appointing people." Is he referring to the EPA Administrator who quit? (But who still has a bio up on the White House web site?)

Or is he talking about the Treasury Secretary who said Bush was planning the Iraq invasian even before 9/11? (Who, bafflingly, also still has a bio on the White House site.)

Either way, criticizing people who worked for your administration is a tacky thing to do. And a nice window into Bush's worldview: agree with me, or you're wrong.

10:39: Bush loses big, crushed by hostile questions from the audience. How long will it take for Republicans to accuse either Gallup, which chose the panelists, or Charlie Gibson, who chose from their questions, to claim that the debate was rigged wildly in Kerry's favor?