No One Cares

So Osama bin Laden and someone called Assam the American have offered confusing new presidential endorsements on the eve of the presidential election. Like most people who make endorsements, they don't seem to understand that no one cares what they think.

It seems that Assam wants us to vote for Kerry -- or at least that seems to be the subtext of his remarks, in which he threatened to make our blood run in the streets for electing Bush in 2000.

Though he can't resist a few digs at Bush, Osama weighs in with a namby-pampy "no endorsement," saying it doesn't matter who we elect as long as we don't mess with the security of his people. He shows a bizarre understanding of our government when he says, "And each state that does not harm our security will remain safe." If that's the case, and if he really blames Bush for his troubles, he might want to stop attacking places like New York and Washington, D.C., which voted overwhelmingly against the president.

Mostly, bin Laden's message is just confusing. Maybe his CIA captors should write him better scripts. (Or maybe Michael Moore is his new head writer, with lines like, "It never occurred to us that the commander in chief of the country would leave 50,000 citizens in the two towers to face those horrors alone ... because he thought listening to a child discussing her goats was more important." Wow, Osama got the talking points!)

Americans spend a lot of time trying to figure out what the terrorists will do next, and I wish they had the courtesy to try to understand us as well, especially if they're going to start telling us how to vote. According to recent polls, most Americans are opposed to both the war in Iraq and the Sept. 11 attacks. And as for the situation with Israel and the Palestinians, most of us are sick of the brutality on both sides. (I'll bet lots of Palestinians and Israelis, are, too.)

Before anyone else decides to chastise or kill us for our "support" or "opposition" to this or that Middle East policy, bear in mind that even those of us who kind of give a fuck don't really give a fuck. Our government over here has a tendency to do things on our behalf without checking with us first. The truth is, most of us can't find Israel on a map, much less the land formerly known as Palestine.

In the end, we'd like it if violent types in the Middle East would try to get along with each other, and ask that that you please not attack any of our states. Not even Florida.